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The late comedian Stainds Horne, master of the double entendre, used to tell a joke about a town in London's commuter belt with a somewhat unfortunate name: "How to get rid of unsightly Staines — blow up the bridge and burn the cinema!

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Follow the latest news for Staines-upon-Thames in Surrey, England, UK - Local news Craiglist Cardiff free 15 of the best things and people that Surrey has given the world.

What's going for it? Staines, as was. And the newly rechristened Staines-upon-Thames love that "upon": no cheap old Staines-on-Thames for Worls town! As one naysayer put it, there's something rather Hyacinth Bucket about it all.

Thing is, though, Staines is all right. I mean, it's not amazing. But it has lovely parks tumbling on to the Thames and a thriving local culture, if you're into footie and messing about on a river.

There is a lovely scrap of an old town. It's surrounded by reservoirs, has a Waitrose. Even its property market is relatively affordable for a place with ChertseyVirginia Water and the Queen for neighbours.

From the streets

That's the rub. Staines feels the touch of Felthamwhen it wants to nuzzle Egham. The cruddy Elmsleigh Centre ; worse, the Two Rivers retail park. Needs more than a new name to stop its slide; encourage some independence and chutzpah!

Well connected? Very much: cornered by the M3 and M25, just outside town, with Heathrow on the northern outskirts.

Trains to Reading 47 mins, twice hourlyWindsor 14 mins, twice hourlyLondon Waterloo mins, four or so an hour. Secondaries: Magna Carta is "good and improving"; Matthew Arnold is "satisfactory" but "pays outstanding attention Grays transexual bars the Stanies of individual students".

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Hang out at… Sushi Nara on Church Street. Or have a pint of Fuller's on the Thames-side terrace at the Swan. Where to buy Start with the little heart of an old town, around St Mary's church, Clarence and Church Streets: lovely old gems. Pretty riverside Laleham village, too, and nice Victorian Dartford free classified ads list between Kingston Road and the bypass.

Sally-Ann Fawcett "The riverside is one of my favourite spots in the world.

It's a beautiful stretch of the Thames and a million miles away from the dreary, soulless, concrete Staines portrayed in the media.

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